Just completed a 4.9m run at PCN. Every time i do my runs, i derive a sense of accomplishment. All the positive charges will be attracted to me.

Pensive to the truest sense of the word. Throat burning. Going against the urge to stop running, to resist dialling her number. Blasted the music to stop me from thinking, but things just don’t work that way. Even came up with the conversation to begin with, but i know myself too well to actually do that. Would you reject me, shrugging me off with ‘I’m fine’s that implies we can no longer be like before? I know I wouldn’t like to face that hard, cold truth. Would you be too busy to care about other important affairs, your welfare, other than studies? And using that to get away from them.

Thought-heavy. They always ricochet whenever I’m on the tracks, coming and going as they please. Annoyed at her, but more so at myself for my lack of courage, the inability to voice my concern for her. I want to make a difference. I want to live A Life in its meaningful essence. Remember how you used to consider me a best-friend material? You’re much too precious and rare a friend, and I can’t afford to lose you. If only I hadn’t heard your inner thoughts, your skirmishes with life, your silent struggles, I’d be spared from this unsettling feeling.

To know that good, erstwhile friends (J & A) that i know yearn and are in need of That Person (that even a person like me could have easily taken up the role of) to make their lives complete makes me feel uneasy because i know I could have made That Difference in their lives, however minuscule it may be. In a way, I feel responsible for their sorry plight.

Tried consulting Okasan to ask for her advice. Didn’t know how to get my point across without making myself feel..highly. I want to seek advice. But there isn’t someone who can understand my quandary. You may not even appreciate my efforts.

You’re probably living in your own world right now, oblivious to these silly inane person pouring out her self-inflicted troubles for you.

Maybe it’s just you. Maybe you love being in control of things, wanting people to take pity on you, to soothe you. But do you know, it’s a two-way thing. It’s never always them who initiates. You got to do your part. I must admit, that your words had their way with me. I was affected by how you feel. It isn’t just ‘cuz of your words, I am, or had been, your friend once. I want to be there for you, when no one else will. I know you don’t like taking the first step. I wouldn’t mind doing it for you. But what stops me in my tracks is your adamant attitude, your stereotyped view, that no one would care, that no one can be trusted.

I should consider myself too lofty, to think I could be the one you can place your trust in. After all, when was the last time we’ve spoken?

My irritating bug living off my blood: Being tardy at work.

; Bel

7:10 PM.

" Saturday, July 25, 2009